austere morbidicus

the other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. i started the house up. so, I drove it around for a while. i was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. he asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "get out of my driveway!"

and at one time, i didn't have a car... i had a helicopter... no place to park it, so i just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward.]

and last night, i walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "do you live around here often?" She said, "you're wearing two different colored socks." i said, "yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." then she asked, "how do you feel?" and I said, "well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? i feel like that all the time."

and i got a new shadow. i had to get rid of the other one . . . it wasn't doing what I was doing.

on a final note: these aren't mine. they're steven wright's. they're hilarious. if you have the brains for it.